As the season of Fall and Thanksgiving is upon us, I can’t help but reflect on the past year with so much gratitude for the Universe. A few weeks ago, the Blondes and I all took a turn re-introducing ourselves on the ‘Gram with a Day in the Life, and I opened up about how this age has been confusing for me as everyone is going through different things at different times. I was scared to put myself out there in this capacity (admit to 6,000 people that my life is far from perfect? – hard pass!) but your feedback was inspiring. So here it is, the past year, SparkNotes edition…
I can’t exactly pinpoint when it all began – there wasn’t a defining moment or a tragedy that took place to spark it. Basically, I turned 24 and started to realize that the years of “post-college” fun were beginning to come to an end and it was time to get my shit together. After watching my friends chase their dream jobs, find amazing relationships, and travel the world, I took a hard look at my life, compared it to all of my peers, and realized that everyone had great things going for them, everyone except for me.
My inner Regina George took full advantage of this realization and reminded me that I was too mediocre to ever excel in any sort of career, I wasn’t capable of a great love, and I would probably be alone forever – cheers to self-love, amiright? It was sad. I was sad. I let off this really bad (and quite frankly, super unattractive) vibe and I cried and complained to my friends and family every single day. The worst part was that I knew I had no reason to be sad-I was healthy, living in an amazing city, had amazing friends, and a great job – and that should be enough, right? It wasn’t. I constantly spent my time worrying about the future, comparing my life to everyone else’s, questioning my self-worth and ultimately, letting off a whole lot of negativity into the world. "How is it possible that I am almost 25 and still have NO idea what I want to do with my career?" "How have I not met my person yet?" "What is wrong with me?" A few examples of questions I asked myself over and over again. I had an internal punching bag that I went to town on 24-7. It was really exhausting and not healthy as these negative thoughts became so powerful that they affected my sleeping, my eating, my work, and my relationships.
This went on for MONTHS before I finally realized that nothing in my life was going to change unless I changed. No one was going to save me except for myself, and filling any single void in my life wasn’t going to fix the way I felt about myself. Desperate for anything to get me out of the rut I was in, I finally agreed to try meditation (my parents had recently started doing it and swore by it) and so I started meditating for 30 minutes every morning. I slowly began focusing on what it was going to take for me to let go of the stress and anxiety I had done such a good job of cultivating, not only over the past year, but past decade. Meditating helped but I still wasn’t entirely sure how to let it all go.
One evening, I was listening to a podcast. The whole premise of the lesson was that there is a direct connection between our beliefs and what happens to us. WE create our life based on our internal thoughts and beliefs, whether they are intentional or unconscious and we all have beliefs based on our past experiences, perceptions, and prior judgments. Whatever we put out into the universe is what we get back. YOU GUYS, THE LAW OF ATTRACTION IS REAL. My mind was blown. How was I just now figuring this out at 25?! I felt woke, TBH, like I had been snoozing through the majority of my life. That evening I wrote down all of the beliefs that I had told myself over the years and did some major reflecting and realized I had been holding myself back from greatness—there is a fundamental difference between wanting something and believing that you are worthy of it. This is what I realized:
I had always WANTED a great career that suited me, put my talents to use and that I could be passionate about, but I told myself that it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I had always been really good at a lot of things but not super great at anything. I told myself that I was mediocre and that’s what I was going to end up with in terms of my work. I put that belief out into the universe.
I had always WANTED a great love. I always looked forward to a relationship that was mutually supportive, filled with love, respect, loyalty, honesty, and laughter, a great guy who I could connect with and build a life with. But I told myself that I would either end up alone or end up with someone who treated me poorly. In the past I had attracted a lot of fun-loving playboys who were just looking for brief encounters. Thankfully I can sniff these types out from a mile away and while I was able to save myself from quite a few potential disasters, I found myself avoiding dating altogether. I saw my friends with these amazing guys, but I told myself that I wasn’t capable of attracting genuinely good ones. I put this belief out into the universe and could only see the confirmation that it was true.
I WANTED to meet new people who had similar interests as me and expand my community. But my seventh grade insecurities told me that I wasn’t cool, was too much of a goof, and was always going to be misunderstood. And yes, I had some pretty amazing friends who understood me and loved me, but I never felt like I could really be my real, authentic self with the rest of the world. I truly believed that everyone else would reject my true self. I had been putting this belief out into the universe for my entire life.
This self-reflection wasn’t easy. To be brutally honest, it was kind of painful. It dug up a lot of not so great memories and feelings that were necessary for me to acknowledge. But the beautiful thing was that once I realized I had more power than I originally thought, I started showing up for myself. I started manifesting a whole bunch of good sh*t for my life. And guess what, GREAT sh*t that I didn’t even know existed, started showing up and meeting me halfway.
I BELIEVED that eventually I was going to find a career that allowed me to utilize both my passion for people and accounting background – and after months of not knowing what that looked like, or even if that existed, and a lot of disappointment, a recruiting role at my company opened up. I interviewed for it, and quickly realized it was exactly what I wanted to be doing. And you guys, I REALLY love it. I still get to work with my amazing co-workers turned friends, while helping others find new fulfilling careers. I frequently have to tell myself it is time to shut down the computer because I literally love it that much.
I BELIEVED that I was capable of expanding my community and filling my life up with the coolest people. I put my phone down on my walk to work and took out my headphones. I said hi to my neighbors in the elevator. I began meeting more amazing individuals through FitCityFam. I met some pretty great friends through Instagram (so much love for things that go down in the DM). I started showing up to my current friendships, and being a better friend to my friends and family. I wanted to get involved so I joined the Associates Board of an amazing charity, Minds Matter, and after realizing how passionate I was for the organization and the people within it, I found opportunities to get even more involved. I am meeting new people all the time and my heart is full as my community continues to grow.
Finally, I BELIEVE that I am deserving of a great love. My person is out there, wherever he is (probably lost in the Amazon right now, tbh), but nonetheless he is a really cool, great human. I may meet him next week or in 10 years or maybe I already have, but I know he exists. Since I have changed this belief, I have noticed that the quality of dudes I attract at this point in life are greater than ever before. I am at ease knowing that this chapter of my life will unfold when it is supposed to, just like all of the other chapters have.
Not every moment is perfect. Some moments the anxiety tries to creep back in. Some moments I feel lonely. Some moments I still compare myself and where I am at to others. But these challenging moments are fewer and farther between than ever before. Most of the time, I am happy and can honestly say that I am living my best life. If you continue to show up, be the best version of yourself, and believe that you are worthy of greatness, it is only a matter of time before your inner Regina George gets hit by a bus and you are able to embrace the next best season of life.
If you find yourself stuck, the following resources have been a game changer: Holosync Meditation materials, The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and a lot of yoga. If you would like to continue the conversation, please reach out.
A special thank you to all of the amazing people who have been my boulders through this season of life. You know who you are.